diary entries
9:17 AM 28/8/2024
yesterday i joined a tmnt server on discord and i love it a lot but theres someone who is very obviously a pro pal and idk i just feel not nice like it makes me anxious uuhagshsauh :[anyway i found a new tmnt 2007 edit on pinterest: https://pin.it/1TEAgIWyR
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11:32 PM 25/8/2024
i hate and love this feeling all at once.the feeling of sitting in my room and loving myself, in a way that no one else ever will.
the feeling of forgiving myself, even if just for a few minutes, for all the things that i will never tell a soul.
the feeling of kissing my own hands so gently, because i know what they have been through, and they need someone to love them.
the feeling of hugging myself, even if the hug is not tight enough and feels too warm to be comforting, because i know i need it.
the feeling of caring for myself. because no one else will do it. no one.
not my mom.
not my dad.
not my siblings.
not my friends.
not my ex.
not my favorite charecters.
not my teacher that i love oh so much.
not anyone. except for me. its just me.
the feeling of daring for one moment to pretend that it doesnt feel so lonely to love myself alone.
the feeling of doubt. if no one is here to love me now, will there ever be someone?
the feeling of guilt, because if no one else will love me like this, tenderly, gently, than maybe i am nt deserving of that type of love.
the feeling of anger for daring to hope and pretend that one day someone will love me this way, because i know its not coming for me.
at least not anytime soon.
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2:13 PM 21/8/2024
so, school is starting again soonand i didnt do any of the work
but even tho i should do my work all i wanna do is learn how to edit
context: a few days ago i relized that bc i have all of the tmnt movies and showes downloaded on my usb sticks, i have all the materials i will need to make edits, and i desprately need more tmnt 2007 edits since there are only 5 of them on pinterest.
(its not a joke btw. there are only 5 edits of tmnt 2007 on pinterest. here are all of them:
https://pin.it/3i2t8nSei
https://pin.it/2xfrkXSnv
https://pin.it/3lfR19M3W
https://pin.it/1xxROxRrB
https://pin.it/17kXNMrkO
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4:00 PM 12/8/2024
OK HI sorry for not updating in 12 days ive just been working my ass off cuz its summer vecationsalary just came in, i made more money than my mom, so that says something about how much i work
also the gravity falls updates are killing my brain
ive checked if i still remember morse code from when i was 12 and it turned out I DO
i can read and write, but the beeping sounds are still very difficult for me
when i was in 8th grade (aka, 12-13) i used to write my diary in morse so that if someone found it they wont be able to just read it, no, theyd have to either be fluent in it, translate it by hand, or copy every dot and dash to a translator. most ppl would be way too lazy to do that, so my whole diary was safe :]
i cut contact with Yuri (when me and my ex girlfriend Angel used to date, Yuri were basically our child. theyre very sweet, but also very sensetive and mentally unwell) because they were effecting me negatively and i honestly am so proud of myself for doing that and putting myself first instead of letting guilt win over me
ALSO blade needs to teach me how to buy things online so i can have a tmnt bag for this school year because its my last school year so i BETTER have a cute bagpack >:]
oh also a friend on a discord server made me make a clownsona and i honestly love them like:
theyre so silly i love them
also blade started collage! or however u dont spell that
shes having fun so far but she caught a cold from sitting right infront of the ac like a dum-dum
ummm im not sure what more to say??
ill keep updating! bye for now!
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1:23 AM 1/8/2024
i started reading "How Much is that Turtle in the Window" (on AO3 by Zelgadis55) a long while ago and had to stop at chapter 12 because it was too much for me. now i went back to reading and i feel like i gotta stop where i am now (chapter 16) or else i will throw up.this fic is written so fucking well, and honestly its a kind of extreme trauma that i rarely see given to charecters, to the point where it actually made me feel like i need breaks.
i cried several times so far, too many to count.
i wanna fistfight dogpound. i dont care if i lose.
mikey didnt deserve that. for fucks sake, he just wanted a fucking snack at first.
this fic makes me want to throw up, but also makes me feel like id rather choke on my own puke rather than go to the sink or take care of it.
2012 mikey is definetly not my favorit charecter.
but this fic makes me feel so fucking protective over him.
he was just a boy. he just wanted a snack.
he is now no longer a boy, but a dog. he just wants to go back.
and dogpound taking joy in his suffering and fear makes me so mad.
its not the "i had a fight with my mom and im mad now" kinda mad. its the type of mad that washes over you with pure adrenalin. the kind you feel right when youre about to get into a physical fight, or when a guy honks at you at 1 AM.
its pure adrenalin kinda anger. it feels like instinct. i feel like if i could do anything i would.
not because im not afraid of getting hurt or dying. but because im afraid of watching someone else getting hurt or dying, knowing that i could have stopped it, even if for just a bit.
i think this fic will stay with me for a while. there are 48 chapters out, and its still not done. im only in 16.
it will take me a good ling while to read it. but i cant rush the reading beyond my ability. otherwise id only harm myself.
fuck.
i wish i could help.
i wish i could help so badly it hurts.
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2:56 AM 27/7/2024
so i have a picture of blade and me hung up on my door, just a selfie we too a few months ago at the mall with a huge lego kai statue. i saw this picture, saw how much we had both changed but also stayed the same. that made me think about how i dont know how long ago it was. i thought it was bout 4 months ago. but then i relized she handed me this picture, printed, on my BIRTHDAY. which was 7 whole months ago. which means the picture is actually way older than i thought. that made me question how much have i ACTUALLY changed. and then i thought about a picture of my younger self (it was 3rd or 4th grade) that i know for a fact is still framed in my elementary school. i havent seen it in years, but i still remember how happy i smiled at the camra, how silly i looked with a purple jacket that was too small but i refused to let go of. it made me think about how much ive been through since THEN. about how much ive changed, and about how much im still the same. and it made me think about how i cant save her. so many things are going to happen. horrible awful things. and there is nothing i can do but sit by and watch her grow and die again and again and again. there is no saving her. not even a warning, a sign i could give her, nothing. and it makes me feel sick to know that so many of these things could have been stopped if she was just a little bit smarter, a little bit wiser, but she wasnt. and theres no way i could give her the help she needed and deserved. i would just have to sit and watch her die and come back again and again and again and again. then i thought about future me. would she look at pictures of me from now, from where i am today, and feel sorry for me? will she feel guilty for not saving me from my future? i wish i could tell her not to, that it wont be her fault, but i know that the same thing applies to current me. and i hate that. because i still feel so guilty and ashamed for not saving my younger self from all of this. from all that she did not deserve.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2:58 AM 25/7/2024
i had a very overwhelming shift to say the least.i did closing with both my bosses. i got overwhelmed and had to grit my teeth to not have a full on meltdown. i had to split my 30 min break into 2 parts. i was nausues and felt like shit. i relized stuff about me and my ex. i ate some good rice from a place where im a regular (they know me by name). i had some strawberry tea. my mom and my brother bought ice cream from me. i didnt shower the morning before my shift so through the whole time i felt stinky. i wanted to go home. i wanted to never leave, i could sleep on the ground there, i wouldnt care. i got compliments from a nice lady. i felt super sexy in my apron and gloves, in a weird way. i felt like i hate my hair, and then i loved it. my nose itched a lot.
ye so that was my shift summery
anyway i want chips but ughh its so late i gotta go to bed i cannot spend another sleepless night, specially since i have morning shift tmr
i wish i had someone whos love language was physical touch like mine is. my ex hated physical touch. i think thats a big reason of why it didnt work for us.
i wanna cuddle with someone. or fuck. or make-out. or go on dates. or nap together. or eat together. or shower together. or cry together. or study together. i want someone to do things with, together.
i feel like either the day for me to find that someone is closer than i think, or that its far beyond what i will live to see.
i need a gf to give love and attantion to before i explode. smh.
also re-discovered a band i liked in 7-8th grade, and lemme tell yall 7-8th grade me was GOING THROUGH IT.
girlie was legit crying to citizen solider. cant blame her tho i would still probably cry to some of their songs. im not better than this.
they were my MCR frfr
anyway its 3:14 gn! (imma go dream of a fake gf while cuddeling a pillow)
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12:46 PM 24/7/2024
i hate it when im supposed to do stuff and i justcant bring myself to do them
like,, im supposed to be showering rnbc i have a shift again but i just physically cannot make myself get up and go shower
i havent showered yesterday too, or the day before that, so basically the last time ive showered was over half a week ago. but i still cant get myself to get up and take a fucking showere.
i dont know why this is so fucking hard, each and every time i need to shower is a whole fuckig proces of forcing myself into doing it and it takes so much energy out of me for no fucking reason why can i just be a normal fucking person and take a goddamn shower?? why do i have to make it so fucking difficult?? if everyone else in the wjole wide world can take a stupid shower then im supposed to be able to do the exact fucking same for fucks sake
fuck i need to brush my teeth too
why is personal care so fucking difficult
why cant i just take care of myself like a normal person?
this is fucking exausting. i wish i could fix it, flicker a switch or smt to make my brain understand that we need a shower or to brush our teeth. but instead im just sitting here complaining like a gross loser. fuck i gotta find a way to fix this shit be4 school year starts again, i cant have ppl writing on tables and bathroom stall doors that i stink, i dont think ill be able to handle that again
i hate myself for making this so difficult. its a day-to-day action, its not supposed to be this difficult.
i need to be out the door at 1:30 and its 12:57 so i gotta hurry and i cant feel my legs
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1:17 AM 23/7/2024
when the panick attack gets so bad i have to pull out the smooth jazz playlist with the rain in the backroundso an online friend of mine, tyler (11 yo) got into a bit of a mess with some 13 yo guy who thretns to kill himself and shit a lot. says that if tyler wont keep talking to him, he will kill himself and stuff. he also asked tyler to call him "good boy" n stuff like that bc it helps him feel better, which made tyler super uncomfortable.
that started about a week and a half ago. about 5 days ago he gave me said guys username so i can try and do something since im older than the both of them, and have wanted to kill myself before so i can give advices that have actually helped me and not just random bs
so i did, in that text i told them that im willing to help, but they should stop harrasing tyler abt it bc THATS A LITERAL CHILD
here are a few texts i sent this dude (theres only textes from me to him, because he communicates only in recordings for some reason):
first text i sent:
a good friend of mine and you have been talking for a bit (------------- is his username), and while i know it is not really my place to shove my nose, still i feel like something kinda concerning happened there? ive understood he tried to tell you a few times that the whole "good bug boy" thing makes him quite uncomfortable, and that youve kept on persisting. now im ofc not here to point fingers or hurt anyone, but ive just wanted to clarify that this is something my friend has asked you to not do, so if you could please stop it (at least with him) i know he would really appreciate it :]
(also sorry if this is coming through as harsh or mean, its just that it makes him really uncomfortable and as his friend i decided to maybe try and say something)"
another text from the same conversation:
it is okay to ask for help, a place to vent, but using your life as a way to make him feel sorry for daring to feel uncomfortable is foul. you shouldnt do that to anyone, and no one should do that to you. (if anyone does do that to you, please turn them to a professional who is trained to handle such situations.)"
after that he sent me a voice messege where he says tyler blocked him so hes gonna take a nap, so i told him gn and sweet dreams. abt an hour later he sent a voice messege of 14 seconds of himself crying and apologizing over and over again. im sont sure what he was apologizing for, but i figured it was for making tyler so uncomfortable and threatning to kill himself if he wont keep talking to him. i tried to respond as naturally as i could, so i wrote:
he is my friend, and a child, no child should be under the pressure of feeling responsible for someone elses life.
you are a very random person. but im still willing to help because i was at very very similar places in my life."
i think i did good with the text. i know theyre in a sensetive spot but i tried being as honest as possible with them.
tyler finelly blocked him today, which makes me very happy and proud that he can put some boudries when needed. and they were VERY needed.
so after tyler blocked them, they texted me abt how theyre gonna hang themselves when they get home and such.
we had a conversation, mainly him saying his life was over now and me telling him that he seems very alive to me, and that i think he can continue living. he kept on crying that he wants tyler back, so eventually i texted this:
all i can offer is to help you to continue living. give you ways to cope, ways to heal."
then he told me that he was going to kill himself like three times, and at the end i wrot to him:
im not sure it was the thing he wanted to hear. but it was the truth. if he truely wishes to die, there is nothing i will be able to do to stop him.
nothing can stop him if he truely set himself to it.
but, then again, i was also honest when telling him that if he changes his mind ill still be there.
i do feel a tad bit guilty. i shouldve had more compassion, more mercy to the situation, mybe in years to come i will lay awake in the middle of the night, trying to figure out if i truely was what killed him. if hes even still alive. maybe he will kill himself. maybe he will not. all i can do is wait, and help in any way that doesnt make me scrfice my own well being for him.
anyway, i think writing that helped me a lot, especially thanks to the background jazz :]]
ill go try to catch some shut eye, ok? goodnight :]
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5:05 AM 22/7/2024
im so angry and i dont know whyi think im angry at myself for feeling and thinking things.
but i dont wanna feel and think those things
i keep feeling scared and ashamed, i keep thinking about my ex and my mom, and i dont like this.
i was supposed to be over those feelings, to get over those thoughts already.
also, i have not gotten a decent nights sleep in a while, and its probably effecting me.
its the reason i could not sleep tonight. i had to pull an all nighter again.
why cant i sleep well? well thats bc the fucking ac broke so my room is like 30 degrees with no fanning.
actually considering spending money on a fan or an ac. fuck. im 16 and a half im supposed to be buying jeans at the mall not an ac cuz my parents cant afford to fix the old one. ffs.
ik i sound super spoiled rn, and idk, maybe i am, but i wish i could live in a house more like my friends. Blade has her own ac in her room. i wish i could too.
this is so stupid. i have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. i feel sick for complaining.
im sorry. im not sure why but i feel like i should apologize.
so im sorry
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3:11 PM 8/7/2024
ok so imma be honest i had a lotta time to writ i was just being kinda lazyive been working a lot
did a 14 hour shift last week (from 1 pm to 3 am) and it was a nightmare
did a bunch of artfight attacks too
no one has attacked me back yet but its ok bc theres literally a whole month left
i somehow wasted all my money and only have 396.45 left in my bank account
uhh what else happened
OH BLADE IS DATING SOMEONE IM SO PROUD OF HER FOR THAT
like,, seriously she deserves that sm
uhhhhhhhhhhhhh oo! i kinda started cleaning my room a few days ago and still am just like very slowly (ik that for most of yall its probably the norm to clean up every once in a while but i genuinly struggle with that so for me its kind of a big deal)
also made a few new inside jokes with my homestuck discord server and its really silly :]]
ALSO! i finelly made a closing playlist! at work when doing closing were allowed to play our own music so i made a playlist and it has a whole bunch of songs that i like eeeeeeee hold up imma put a link to it
thank you spotify for making this easy to do
also its kind of a huge mix so it has a whole bunch of diff vibes
uhhhh thats it i think
okok imma go keep on scrolling pinterest for some tmnt fanarts byeeeeeee :DD
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9:00 AM 25/6/2024
I FINELLY HAVE A SECOND TO WRITEartfight has been consuming all of my time im sorry :[[
i have a shift today at 4 PM too
i also made several new drawings of several ocs
im gonna post them on the drawings wall once im done with writing
anyway where was i
ah yes im tired af
just like in general
i think im gonna need a week of like,, NO SHIFTS just to catch up on lost sleep
also my body for some reason wakes me up automatically at 11 AM every day now that im on vacation???
like i used to be able to sleep for 18 hrs a day (actually happened once) and now my body just goes "nope, wakey wakey time!"
i need a good sleep that ill wake from feeling well rested
ugh
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9:11 PM 21/6/2024
okok im feeling a LOT better now and so many things happened since i last wrote jeezfor starters, yesterday i finished 11th grade (yippie!)
on the last day my homeroom teacher, Talia, did a thingy where she gave every kid a small beach ball, and a permenant marker, and we were supposed to write each othe stuff on the beach balls, and it was really nice actually :] not many kids wrote on mine, but Talia did, and thats more than enough :D
also a girl from my class made a cake and brought it to class to celebrate and it was actually so good, like girly should really go compete on tv showes with this thing
and TODAYYYYYY i got back to work! had a friday shift (aka a short and usually fun shift) for the first time in a bit since im still kinda recovering?? im coughing a bit here and there but i promise im fine
anyway so shift was fun, about 5 hrs and 15 mins, so pretty short shift
OH! I ALSO JOINED ARTFIGHT! eeeeeeeeeeee im so EXITED AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA hehehehe
i already uploded 2 ocs of mine! one is a homestuck fantroll named Emposa (she is very silly), and the other is a ninjago oc named 4513-574-111 (they have some havy lore but i lve them so much theyre my little babyyyyyyyyyyyyy)! i love them both so much eeeeeeeehdhdvcueuehdvhduvchdhsjiis
also 2 OF MY FAVE FICS HAVE BEEN UPDATED! I AM GETTING F E D OVER HERE
literally wonderfull day
also i have a long shift tmr (from 4 PM till closing which is at abt 12-12:30 AM)
but it starts late so ill have time to rest till like 1:30 PM (i have to leve the house at least an hour and 15 minutes early to get there on time, plus getting ready and waking up and shit ykyk)
also i had a doctor appointment yesterday! forgot to tell abt it
it was so akwared, and i have to do a few checkups bc in my country theres mendatory army service at 18 and yk im 16.5 so i have to start moving things (the whole thing starts at abt 16.5, the actual joining to the army happens at 18) bc i have to give them medical stats that i do not have bc i havent been to the doctor in like 5 years
ok now that i say that out loud it does sound a bit concerning
ANYWAY! today was a good day for me. i hope that it was for yall too :]
bye for now!
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11:03 PM 19/6/2024
so turnes out im sicki havent been sick since like 4th grade so thats
new.
i dont like this
like, i dont even have a fever i just feel like crap???
i canceled shift last minute and couldnt even find a replacement
my head hurts like a bitch and my nose is runny and my throut hurts and aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
okok but tmr i finish the school year
hashtag finishing 11th grade letz gooooo
ugh i wanna feel better
i just
ehguhg hh
i feel like shit and i feel like im floating at the same time
i wanna not exist rn ught
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3:12 PM 18/6/2024
i literally was so busy in the last few days i didnt have a sec to sit down and write kill mecurrently sitting on a bench outside my work bc i was supposed to start my shift at 3 PM but my boss told me he made a mistake and im starting at 4 instead, while i was already on the bus so i just casually got here 1:25 hours early
okok recap time
on the 16th my younger sister was sick and stayed home so i was there with her in the morning, and then at like 3 PM while im omw to a shift my stumec & througt started hurting (ofc i went to shift anyway)
so anyway me and Aya (a classmate + coworker of mine) did a closing shift together which is usually supposed to end at like,, 12 AM max, but we finished closing at FUCKING 2:41 AM. when clocking out the cashier machine literally wrote "good morning" to me.
IT WAS HORRIBLE I WAS LITERALLY ON SHIFT FOR 11HRS AND 43MIN AAAAAAAAAAAA
so by this point its the 17th already
anyway we took a taxi home together, i got home at 3:16 AM knowing fully well i was supposed to be at school later the morning.
i went to bed in uniform, woke up (after like 2.5 hrs which ive had worse but still), got ready, got to school, sat my ass down and started working on my P.O.L that was due later that day (at 2 PM). now i mightve said it be4, but to clear it up, P.O.L stands for Presentation Of Learning. its a thing every student at my school has to do by every end of a semester. you choose a subject, make a presentation about it, and then you have to present it in fron of your homeroom teacher and the subjects teacher.
i chose history because we were learning a lot about naz*sm in the past semester and i knew i could easily make a presentation with the amount of stuff hapening both rn and in the past. i knew i could take this and run with it. so i started making the presentation, made sure i answered all the questions i had to, and by the time i was done it was already 1 PM.
i got myself a pizza, it was nice, then did my P.O.L and left to go around with B. she got new shoes, and i tried red velvet cake for the first time. it wasnt as good as i thought itd be but like it wasnt really bad either, it was just kinda ok :\
after that she went to her graduation party and i went home to fucking rest. because i needed it. but i didnt rest because hollow knight brain rot took over me.
anyway i went to bed at like 12 AM because yes
and today i got to school at ass crack of dawn to complete school work i was supposed to do like,, last year
finished one part out of 3 T-T
and then i left for work and uh now im here on a bench outside my work! also my througt still hurts but my stumech doesnt so idk
mom says i caught what my sister has but i dont think so
i have a strong immune system that is my pride and joy in my body. aint no way im sick
also the book week (a thing in my country idk abt other countries) starts today and the whole thing is hosted right outside my workplace so uh hopefully i wont die today.
or close at 2:41 AM
wish me luck haha
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2:07 PM 15/6/2024
currently im Blade's room, we had a sleepover and it was so much fun!! then in the morning we made & ate pancakes, and now were just chilling cuz yk its sillyshe put on some music she likes and im judging her (/j) for being a classical music nerd
i ate my pancakes with little chocklate sprinkles inside and mayple syrup and strawberry jam and she ate them with literally nothing but sour cream. her dad was sitting on the couch when we ate and he took pics of us and just sent it to her it was kinda funny
yesterday was trash, we had a presentation morning of all the finle products from all our projects we did throught the year, but i didnt want my parents there cuz one of my projects in art was turned inside a cig box i stole frim my mom and i didnt want her to know so the whole morning i was just super worried that she or my dad will come and see it
eventually i left the school to sit in some picnick tables beside the school to have my panick attack in peace
it was for nothing tho, my parents didnt arrive at the end
another friend who i havent seen in a while did tho, and i was surprised cuz i didnt know he was supposed to arrive
his names Dro and i fucking love this man (/p)
hes the one that got me into homestuck by the end of 10th grade
i asked him to tell me about it, and he did, and then asked me to not read it.
so ofc i read it
i regret nothing tho
then i dragged Blade to the homestuck too and now were all just a happy homestuck family :]
also my nails r all braking ughhhhhhhhhhh i hate thisssssss
cant they just stay long and pretty?? :[[
Blade has an undertale shirt she made herself in 8th grade help---
ik what she is hehehe
okok i think imma go keep working on the code for now so bbl! hope yall have good day/ night! :D
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12:45 PM 12/6/2024
okok so i didnt have a second to write in a few daysive been working a lot + last evening was a holiday for my country (its a silly hoiday abt cheese and fruits and i love it)
also i finished another art project in the meanwhile
i forgot to bring it to the turning in day and when i saw what everyone else did i relized i completely misunderstood the assigment, so i redid it from 10 PM to 3 AM and turned it in the next morning inside a cig box. the teacher accepted it
also i have literally 8 more days till i finish 11th grade like WHATTTTT
it started last week tf u mean im almost done
its crazy frfr
also im like super tired in the last few days idk why?
like i feel like i could sleep no matter what, which is weird cuz usually it takes me hours to fall asleep
also im not sure if ive told you this but i have an ex gf, her name is Angel
and two days ago i finelly relized how unable to communicate with people she actually is
like, my homeroom teacher, Talia, was there when we were together and was there when we broke up, she saw it all
and she always told me that all this thing wasnt my fault, and that the only thing that was my fault is that i dated someone whos unable to communicate stuff when needed
anyway so remember the giant drawings from last enterie? we hanged those canvases on hallways walls to work on them
and to do that, we had to hang some nylon (idk how to spell it but the see through plastic sheet) behind the canvas so that the color wouldnt damage the wall
she didnt hang the nylon. and when the art teacher told her to stop working and take down the canvas and repint her wall, she got mad and yelled at the teacher. and when the teacher asked her why did she not just ask her where could she get nylon, she got even angrier and told the teacher to stop critisizing her every action.
like, girl. u just painted the wall green. i dont think ur in the position to yell at the teacher.
ugh, i wish i couldve known what i do now when i was 14.5
wouldve saved me a whole lotta trouble
anyway back to yesterday (holiday)
we had a meeting with some family-friends, and at some point all the kids around my age and i set in the room of one of the girls whos house we were in
the kids around my age are Shira (my sister), Stav, Gon, Rotem, & me. Stav & Rotem are twins, and we sat in Rotem's room. we all played some music and i made them listen to some 100 gecs hehe
also we ate a lot of dairy stuff (cheese cakes my bleoved) and it was so much fun
plus they have 3 whole dogs aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ill see if i can get a pic of em to put here, they were so cute frfr
anywayyyyyyy imma go get dressed cuz i have a shift at 3 PM so i have to get out of the house at 1:45 PM and its currently 1:08 PM
bye! :D
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4:55 PM 9/6/2024
I FINELLY FINISHED WITH THIS HUGE PROJECT IN ART CLASSokok so we had to create a self portrait out of objects that we feel that represent us
the rules were to have at least 5 objects, one of them has to be some sort of book, and one of them has to be a food item.
i used my earphones, my dnd dices, my glasses, my box of gum & my sketchbook
but bc of how big the canvas is i didnt have enough time to finish it all so i deleted the glasses and made less details in stuff
it looks small in the pic but i promise you this thing is so big (thats what she said lol)
point is i hated this and im so happy to finelly be over with it. a win is a win yk
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12:01 PM 9/6/2024
ffs im having a crisis in the school bathroomBlade & Puffs r both 12th graders
which means they wont be here next year
fuck
like, im trying to not think abt it but two of my friends (Yuval & Lior, 10th graders) have already brought it up TWICE TODAY
im
fuck
i dont wanna do this
i dont want them to go
i wanna see them in school next year too
i want them to stay here
but i know its out of their control, both bc theyll graduate and bc theyll go to the army (its mendatory at 18 in my country)
fuck
i dont
i dont like this
i know its not up to me
fuck i just heared my ex walk into the bathroom
im
ok she left
fucking hell
i dont like this whole situation
fuck next year ill have to see my ex every day AND not see Puffs & Blade at all.
this is
not nice for my brain
like at all
fucking hell.
i dont want this
i dont wanna be in this
i have class in 5 minutes and i dont think im ready
fuck my life.
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5:20 PM 8/6/2024
OMGOMGOMG I DID IT OMGI MADE THE BACKROUND EEEEEEEEE
IM SO EXITED AJSHDBDEUJBFJDUED I LOVE THIS
in a few years ill probably look back at this and be like "wtf was i thinking???" but that doesnt matter
me from a few years from now will have to live with it
ALSO! i had a shift today at the ice-cream truck(starting at 10am), we put it in the middle of a really main park in a really main city so that we will have better selling chances, but the park was LITERALLY EMPTY
i just stood there all day eating ice cream doing nothing while getting paied 150% cuz its weekend
i even got free lunch from the food place thingy that was behind the truck & it was so good!
anyway ive got some homework to complete, so imma try to do some more improvements and then ill go do them
bye for now! :]
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5:05 PM 6/6/2024
ok so yesterday i had classes till 5:15pm (wednsdays are the longest days for me in school cuz im an art and design major), so i went during break out of school with my friends Blade and Puffs to buy something with sugar from the store near the school cuz i knew ill need it to survive.and i ended up buying a 2 liter (67.6280454 oz, for the americans) bottle of apple juice because its literally my fave juice.
i came back to school (at this point its like 1 pm), and i put my bag in the art class, and the aj bottle right next to it, keeping it for later while i went to work on my drawing (a pretty big one that was hanged in a hallway for me to work on).
now, i thought that if its right next to my bag, people will connect the dots and understand its not for them. people did not, infact, connect the dots.
at about 3 pm my art teacher Gili found out that it was mine, and told me a few kids and her drank from it as a "goodbye party" for her (cuz shes leaving and its our last class with her), and that none of them knew it was mine, and she apologized. i went into the class, saw half of the bottle was empty. i was so mad.
it felt like when my younger siblings would break my stuff, and i would have to reason with myself with the good old "theyre just kids" excuse.
i didn't even bother telling those kids and talking to them, because from my experience with them theyre all a bunch of snobs. but apparently another art teacher of mine, Yael, talked with them, and they felt so bad that they bought me a whole 1 liter aj bottle, to make up for the liter they drank. it was the fancy brand name too.
i wasn't sure how to handle that really. my friend Blade was there and asked me if im ok, and that lowkey made me wanna cry so i went to the bathroom to dissociate for a bit. after that i started drinking the liter that was left in the original bottle, and soon i started feeling better once the sugar kicked in, so i was ok for the rest of the day :].
i am currently getting ready for my shift at work. i ll write all about it when i get back! :D
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12:07 PM, 4/6/2024
im feeling so much rn. and my brain is trying to understand my emotions again, to figure em out.i dont want to understand
i just want to fucking feel
why must i always try and understand myself?
is it because no other person will ever do it for me?
or is it because i feel like if i find the issue, than i will find the solution too, and will be able to get rid of the problem faster?
earlier today, my friend Blade texted me.
i didn't respond for 4 hours.
for me, thats a long fucking time. but i just didn't feel like i could communicate with any living thing.
when i finely responded, i apologized, told her im sorry it took me so long.
i considered telling her a lie. that i was busy, that i was on shift, that i was doing homework, anything really, just so she wouldn't know that i was just sitting there staring at her text doing nothing about it.
i eventually decided against it. i told her the truth, that the second i exited school i felt like my social battery was just deep-fried.
i was half expecting her to get mad. to give me the silent treatment or to yell at me. but she didnt
i felt the need to make it up to her. she didn't get mad. she understood. and that felt really nice.